my city. my fall.

fall7

Have you ever felt like you had something so good you never wanted to give it up? Maybe it was a house or a favorite sweater. Maybe your first car or a best friend. Maybe even a school project or a favorite recipe. Liz Phair had her favorite pair of underwear… In my very first post on this blog, I wrote about one of those things for me — my apartment in Concord. I loved that place — everything about it was exactly what I wanted — the right price, the right location, good schools, nice neighbors. It was such a good deal I never wanted to give it up. But, for various reasons that you can read about here, I did give it up.

As autumn approached this year, I found myself missing Concord. That apartment was the only place that has ever, in my 30+ years, felt like home. I was sad about missing drives along route 2, walks through Minuteman National Park, and Lexington center after church. Perfect autumn days and the perfect autumn sun on perfectly colored leaves. I love little New England towns on perfect autumn days. I had that for so many years. But now, now I am a city girl. No more commuting home on winding, tree-lined roads. Now I walk through car-filled, noise-filled, bustling city streets.

As the trees began to change, so did my heart. Fall was a little later this year than usual and, as the trees began to turn colors, I found myself appreciating the vibrant fall colors in the context of this city. First the yellows filled scattered trees. Followed by oranges, and then the deep reds. The beauty that overtook this city as each new color emerged was breathtaking. I watched leaf after leaf fall from tree after tree, day after day. Leaves filled little patches of grass and sidewalks. Runs along the Charles offered breathtaking city views. Vibrant fall colors were perfectly reflected on the water. I started to see this city in a new way. As the beauty of each autumn day warmed my heart, I started to realize, this is my city.

My fall.

When I left Concord, I felt like I failed. It was my metaphorical fall from grace. I left something really, really good, to enter a big, strange city and embrace the unknown.

My city.

As the beauty of autumn in the city filled my senses, I began to realize this little apartment in this big city has slowly started to become my home.

 

I am at that juncture again. I have something so good I never want to give it up. I am facing another fall. I am scared. The future seems uncertain and unknown. I feel like I am being forced to give up so much. Once again, it’s not clear any good will come out of this loss. But, I have been here before. I have learned that so much good can come from what feels like a massive loss. A fall from the known into the unknown is not always a bad thing, it’s just a different thing, a new thing. And, in the unknown, good exists too.

As I move into tomorrow, and the days that follow, I pray God will help me to see the beauty and hope in His promises, even when the fall is hard. He has carried me through so much and I know He will carry me through so much more.

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